driving lesson

Wow, this past week has been full of emotion, self evaluation & heartache. It has felt so good to write again; to process all of this through. I know I could have done it in the safety of a journal where no judgmental eyes will cast looks upon the dealings of my heart, but I have been driven here. Again, I appreciate the support & feedback I have received.

Yesterday I realized something HUGE and feel the need to say it here, in light of some other statements I've made earlier this week.

Three years ago I disobeyed God. I climbed into the driver's seat, came home from Kenya and said to God, "God, I will go back to Kenya when I'm married and when I have a masters degree." At the time, my heart longed to return to Kenya, and I had received offers to return and join other teams, but I refused. Instead, I plunged into a world of heart pains, which brought along with it loneliness, debt and lots of confusion. (Not to mention the reverse culture shock I was naturally experiencing.) But at the same time, my heart was longing to be loved and my mind was reeling with what I had learned in my short African stint. I yearned for understanding to go back and do better next time. My intentions were good, but I was out of line with what God desired for me.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not regretting the last 3 years here in the States. God, in his amazing faithfulness walked down this road with me instead. Like a friend, sitting in the passenger seat looking at the map, seeing clearly the right way to turn, but can't convince me otherwise, he has sat patiently with me. He's taken advantage of the pit stops to use me in spite of myself. I am grateful for the life I've lived these last three years. I've had an enormous experience working with at-risk kids & their families, and I've been blessed to be on a church plant team for the first time. I even got to wear the green apron for a while! ;)

A year ago, when I finally returned to Kenya for a short visit, I felt a sense of peace, as if I could now be "ok" with were I was at. I didn't feel like I was never going back to Africa, but I finally felt peace about not being there for a while longer. A year later, it seems that God is preparing me for a return, but it won't be for a while longer yet. I need to get out of the debt trap that my student loans and car are keeping me in. As much as I'd like to return to school, getting back into debt to do so is not worth it to me. One doesn't need a masters degree to be useful in Africa (or any degree, for that matter!) ;) And as for a husband, well, that matter is obviously completely out of my control. I'm perfectly content allowing God to take the wheel of that desire as well.

So, I'm not saying that I already have a set plan to return to Kenya... that would be foolish & silly to plunge ahead with my own desires again after learning this valuable lesson. I do feel convicted that my number one priority right now is to get out of debt. After that, we'll see! I would love to be given the opportunity to return to Africa.

For now, I'm pulling over... climbing out of the driver's seat, angry, confused & sad... handing the steering back over to the One to whom it belongs and settling back into the passenger seat, with a bit of excited anticipation, a seed of hope and definite relief.