As a child of the 80’s and a teenager of the 90’s, I often boast my, “I-can-be-anyone-I-want-to-be-because-I-want-to-and-I-don’t-have-to-change-for-anyone” badge. But on my way home tonight after a long, thoughtful car ride and a pit stop to talk with a close friend, I realized this proud badge we Gen X-ers hail as a distinct trademark actually has the potential to do more harm than good as we become adults and realize what life is all about.
You see, I am experiencing epiphany tonight: I am not a goal motivated person. I am a relationship motivated person. I am not driven by career goals or what I can get out of certain positions as an employee. I am deeply motivated by what I can put into any given situation. I am only interested in building programs for the greater good, even if it means sacrificing my time, my energy, my all to get there. My reward lies in the relationships I get out of the experience. That’s my paycheck, the one that matters most to me.
While the income of relationships is my payment, a tax for being relationally driven is burn out. Continually pouring myself out for the benefit of others leaves a girl on empty after a while. And a girl on empty is a girl who snaps at her family; a girl whose anger at all the crap in the world threatens to overwhelm her; a girl who mourns the emptiness she feels on the inside. And this particular girl constantly feels the deeper ache and longing for that ultimate relationship: a partner to build a life with, shoulder burdens with, and create joy with. (Imagine the emptiness one must feel if he or she is 80-90% driven by relationships, but he or she is denied an ultimate life-long partnership!)
You may be wondering what my epiphany has to do with the badge I mentioned. Here it is: If I keep allowing myself to be mostly motivated by relationships without allowing myself more room for being goal driven, I am afraid of the person I will become. That girl has started to rear her ugly heart within me lately and she scares the crap out of me. I have to change who I am. Survival of the fittest: revise & reshape, or die. Kill (in this case, a part of myself) or be killed. I have to rip off the first badge or at least the bottom half of it. Perhaps my new badge should read: “I-can-be-whoever-I-want-to-be-as-long-as-I-am-a-healthy-individual- for-myself-and-for-the-people-around-me.” This will mean allowing room for goals in my life, such that will allow me to accept a certain amount of work in people’s lives as adequate, and be able to move on from there. I’m not quite sure what this will look like, but I hope the goals will pull me back toward a balanced life and further away from the brink of self-destruction.
Sometimes just “being who we are” isn’t good for us or the people around us. We must re-evaluate and proceed with a different game plan, especially when we feel defeated.
