i will

As I played with my brother & sister in law's new iPad, my s-i-l reaches over and says, "Check this out." She clicks on an app button and a 14 week old fetus pops up on the screen labeled "My Baby." A ripple of excitement rushed through me as I realized what she was telling me. We made eye contact as I slowly turned from the iPad to her with a grin of recognition emerging on my face.

There is a baby growing in my sister in law's belly. My brother is having a baby. Delight and hugs quickly filled the room as the good news spread to my parent's ears. Grandparents. Finally. Joy!

Excitement wains as night time becomes bed time and we all shuffle off to slumber, our hearts still reverberant with elation. In spite of my joy and excitement, in the silence of the darkness, the emptiness reaches out to grab me and threatens to pull me under. Where's your husband? Where's your baby? Where's the life you want? Carefully I roll over and tuck the blankets up further and curl my body into a tighter ball, hopeful that I can create my own sense of security and defense against the answerless questions.

I refuse to let the silence of the unknown pull me down with it. I will not let my own desires drown out my excitement for others uncontainable joy. I will not be threatened by other people's happiness.

I will joyously await the arrival of Baby Tombleson. I will greatly anticipate the first time I can hold my niece or nephew and welcome them to our world. I will throw everything I have into loving the people God has entrusted me with now and I will be content. I will.

swapping badges

As a child of the 80’s and a teenager of the 90’s, I often boast my, “I-can-be-anyone-I-want-to-be-because-I-want-to-and-I-don’t-have-to-change-for-anyone” badge. But on my way home tonight after a long, thoughtful car ride and a pit stop to talk with a close friend, I realized this proud badge we Gen X-ers hail as a distinct trademark actually has the potential to do more harm than good as we become adults and realize what life is all about.

You see, I am experiencing epiphany tonight: I am not a goal motivated person. I am a relationship motivated person. I am not driven by career goals or what I can get out of certain positions as an employee. I am deeply motivated by what I can put into any given situation. I am only interested in building programs for the greater good, even if it means sacrificing my time, my energy, my all to get there. My reward lies in the relationships I get out of the experience. That’s my paycheck, the one that matters most to me.

While the income of relationships is my payment, a tax for being relationally driven is burn out. Continually pouring myself out for the benefit of others leaves a girl on empty after a while. And a girl on empty is a girl who snaps at her family; a girl whose anger at all the crap in the world threatens to overwhelm her; a girl who mourns the emptiness she feels on the inside. And this particular girl constantly feels the deeper ache and longing for that ultimate relationship: a partner to build a life with, shoulder burdens with, and create joy with. (Imagine the emptiness one must feel if he or she is 80-90% driven by relationships, but he or she is denied an ultimate life-long partnership!)

You may be wondering what my epiphany has to do with the badge I mentioned. Here it is: If I keep allowing myself to be mostly motivated by relationships without allowing myself more room for being goal driven, I am afraid of the person I will become. That girl has started to rear her ugly heart within me lately and she scares the crap out of me. I have to change who I am. Survival of the fittest: revise & reshape, or die. Kill (in this case, a part of myself) or be killed. I have to rip off the first badge or at least the bottom half of it. Perhaps my new badge should read: “I-can-be-whoever-I-want-to-be-as-long-as-I-am-a-healthy-individual- for-myself-and-for-the-people-around-me.” This will mean allowing room for goals in my life, such that will allow me to accept a certain amount of work in people’s lives as adequate, and be able to move on from there. I’m not quite sure what this will look like, but I hope the goals will pull me back toward a balanced life and further away from the brink of self-destruction.

Sometimes just “being who we are” isn’t good for us or the people around us. We must re-evaluate and proceed with a different game plan, especially when we feel defeated.

28/29

I have never really given much thought to a birthday before, but this year my mind has been reeling through a range of thoughts. Everything from depression to excitement has crossed the threshold of my mind in the last few days. Depression licks at my wounded heart, exhausted after giving intensely of itself and still not finding a life-long love. Love is not all there is to life, but a life without love after 29 years starts to make a person wonder what’s wrong? At the same time, the amount of important life epiphanies that came to me during my 28^th year incite the excitement of potential growth for a new year. Many unexpected adventures have filled my path over the past year. A serious relationship, cut short by near sightedness; a sharp financial reality check and continued professional and spiritual growth mark what has now become another chapter in my life.

It was really a good year, but not in the one many may measure “good years.” For when one is burned by love (yet again) there are always lessons to be learned. I have yet to discover exactly what this particular love lesson is all about. Perhaps it is merely: do not believe what a guy says until he is on one knee in front of you asking you to spend the rest of your life with him… and even then, proceed with caution because he is probably still lying about something…? Sounds bitter, I know. I probably still am; thank God life is a work in progress. Right now, my heart is on the shelf and I am OK with that. Besides, I already know the only One I can truly always trust.

On another note, finding financial conviction and thereafter, discipline is not what I would consider “fun,” but in fact, I am already discovering the true joys that come from being a disciplined saver and spender of my financial resources. It is, after all, so relieving to check out at the grocery store and not hold my breath until the debit card machine flashes “APPROVED” across the screen! I know there are even greater rewards in store as I continue to tow the line in this part of my life.

My professional life has taken its emotional toll on me this year. Counseling at risk youth and their families is a difficult gig. Many days of 2009 were spent questioning whether or not I have what it takes to do what I do. (Do any of us?) Time after time, encouragement came in the form of words from loved ones or sharp, brief glimmers of hope from my clients. I press on for the time being.

My relationship with Jesus continues to be the only bond that holds me together. Without His strength and encouragement, 28 would have definitely turned out substantially different. It is in the darkest moments that His light penetrates my sadness and brings newness & hope. I hope I never tire of God’s amazing ability to sustain life in the midst of trying, dark, troubled times. 28 was not as bad a year as some in the past have been; and my life is a myriad of blessings in general compared to scores of other people’s lives. But each and every one of us doesn’t escape the power of the darkness seeking to tear down our defenses and rip our hearts in half. Evil lurks, waiting to kill, maim and destroy. I’ll be damned if I allow it to overcome me and not reach out to my Saving Grace in Christ instead.

So, with a tear in one eye and hope for the future in the other, let me bid adieu, 28. It’s been real. Real hard. Real interesting. Real eye-opening. Real. And karibu sana, 29. I wasn’t sure how I felt about you at first, but now that the first impression is wearing off, I think you and I are going to get along well. Let’s take it one day at a time and not rush into anything. Let’s have fun! Let’s continue to do what is right, even when it is what is harder. Let’s welcome the healing salve of time and embrace the warmth of hope. Shall we?