i will

As I played with my brother & sister in law's new iPad, my s-i-l reaches over and says, "Check this out." She clicks on an app button and a 14 week old fetus pops up on the screen labeled "My Baby." A ripple of excitement rushed through me as I realized what she was telling me. We made eye contact as I slowly turned from the iPad to her with a grin of recognition emerging on my face.

There is a baby growing in my sister in law's belly. My brother is having a baby. Delight and hugs quickly filled the room as the good news spread to my parent's ears. Grandparents. Finally. Joy!

Excitement wains as night time becomes bed time and we all shuffle off to slumber, our hearts still reverberant with elation. In spite of my joy and excitement, in the silence of the darkness, the emptiness reaches out to grab me and threatens to pull me under. Where's your husband? Where's your baby? Where's the life you want? Carefully I roll over and tuck the blankets up further and curl my body into a tighter ball, hopeful that I can create my own sense of security and defense against the answerless questions.

I refuse to let the silence of the unknown pull me down with it. I will not let my own desires drown out my excitement for others uncontainable joy. I will not be threatened by other people's happiness.

I will joyously await the arrival of Baby Tombleson. I will greatly anticipate the first time I can hold my niece or nephew and welcome them to our world. I will throw everything I have into loving the people God has entrusted me with now and I will be content. I will.