when the world is shaken

There is this song we used to sing at chapel in college, the only words I can remember are: “Refuge, You’re my refuge… When the world is shaken and nothing stands, I will hold on to your hand, Refuge…” That’s the gist of the chorus. I can’t remember any other part of the song, but those words have stuck with me. They come floating back into my heart, my mind & my voice in times like these…

I return to Kenya in two weeks time. I am scared, shaken, enthused and exhausted. My mind is whirling with borrowed trouble from tomorrow, the next day, and the day after that. My heart aches, literally. What if I don’t like it this time? What if something bad happens? Or even worse—what if I love it even more, and resent being back in the states all the more when I come back again?

My heart not only aches for Kenya, but with the deep, longing desire to love & be loved (what is apparently becoming the theme of this blog, although entirely unintended!). I wonder if my inability to feel settled here, in the States, could be quenched with a good dose of domesticity. A man to care for, sharing the dream & hope of having children of our own to love & raise…working side by side together, whether here or in Africa again… or both? Maybe I am feeling that built-in need most women feel to put down roots, to have a stable foundation I can spring up from. The proverbial biological clock is ticking away!

I spoke with a close, wise friend about these troubles tonight. She has known me for years, and shares the same, deep spiritual faith as I, that no matter what, in times like these, there is One who is right next to us, guiding us, even when we don’t understand everything that’s going on. A few thoughts she shared with me: one, is that hopefully this trip to Africa will bring with it a lot of closure from the first time I was there. I like this thought, so much, in fact that tears instantly rolled down my cheeks at her suggestion of it. I hadn’t thought of that, but it could be very true, and apparently very needed. Secondly, and maybe most poignant: that some of these matters of the heart are not my decision to make. That I am taking on too many huge life things right now that I don’t need to worry about, especially considering I have chosen a Savior who has asked me to let Him bear these burdens.

A deep, chest sized sigh of relief flows out of me. Christ has asked me to bear only his load, which is easy & light… and he will take on all the hard stuff for me… because he loves me. He cares for me, and wants the best for me. Another sigh, as I let this truth settle into my bones.

I named this blog “Alita’s Refuge” because that song has become a theme song of my life. I can’t remember all the words, but I remember the important ones. Christ is my refuge. When the world is shaken and nothing stands, like it seems to be right now, I can, and will hold on to his hand. He’s my refuge.