When I was 21 or 22, an elder in my life told two friends and me we were “ripe for love!” Six years later, what does that make me? Rotten? The two friends are married now, by the way…
I have come close a couple times—so close to experiencing the intimacy of sharing my life with another human, of joining with another life to become one. But each time ended in a mournful, heart sick loss. Yet, incredibly, as a testament to the human spirit, my heart still longs for that moment where I won’t lock the door at night and turn around to an empty apartment. Or go to another wedding alone or to a movie, class reunion or family holiday with a girlfriend. My patch-work heart still throbs for someone to hold me, kiss my lips and look at me with those wanting eyes!
Oh, I know it won’t always be blissful. I know there will be times I will want to rip his head off, scream my guts out and walk away! I know there might even be times when we break each other’s hearts… and I know that each morning I wake up I will still have to look at his face and make that choice to love him in spite of himself, in spite of me! But isn’t that what makes it so wonderful!?-- sharing a life full of pain and heartache, love & joy. No matter what, life will always cause pain, always foster joy, but to actually share all of that will someone is the longing of my heart.
Of course I go through times of wondering what’s wrong with me? Why can’t a guy, for once be at least as interested in me as I may be in him? Especially a guy who shares my values and even some of my dreams? It seems that the only guys who do express interest in me are half my size & twice my age, and that’s just the beginning!!! And then there are the games we are “supposed” to play. The “get him to notice you” game and the “get him to ask you out game”. UGH! I’d rather fall in love with my best friend a hundred times over rather than play a stupid dating game! There are always a few friends standing on the sidelines cheering for me—go for it, Alita! If you can’t do it, no one can! …Give me an “A”! UGH again!
There is a strange dichotomy in the life of a single person—at least this single person. I enjoy my single life very much—I enjoy making my own decisions, good or bad. I enjoy doing what I want to do when I want to do it and (mostly) answering to no one but myself at the end of the day. But I can’t kid myself too long before that desire nags deep, deep down. I was made to love, to wife, to mother! I can’t deny that forever… but how long must this go on?
I hate writing about this subject, as each time I do, it just sounds like whining and blubbering… but at the same time, I need to get it out. Maybe it’s OK to whine and blubber about it once in a while?!
As I wrap this up, I can hear the neighbor’s baby screaming… maybe I’m not really missing out that much??? :)
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