i will

As I played with my brother & sister in law's new iPad, my s-i-l reaches over and says, "Check this out." She clicks on an app button and a 14 week old fetus pops up on the screen labeled "My Baby." A ripple of excitement rushed through me as I realized what she was telling me. We made eye contact as I slowly turned from the iPad to her with a grin of recognition emerging on my face.

There is a baby growing in my sister in law's belly. My brother is having a baby. Delight and hugs quickly filled the room as the good news spread to my parent's ears. Grandparents. Finally. Joy!

Excitement wains as night time becomes bed time and we all shuffle off to slumber, our hearts still reverberant with elation. In spite of my joy and excitement, in the silence of the darkness, the emptiness reaches out to grab me and threatens to pull me under. Where's your husband? Where's your baby? Where's the life you want? Carefully I roll over and tuck the blankets up further and curl my body into a tighter ball, hopeful that I can create my own sense of security and defense against the answerless questions.

I refuse to let the silence of the unknown pull me down with it. I will not let my own desires drown out my excitement for others uncontainable joy. I will not be threatened by other people's happiness.

I will joyously await the arrival of Baby Tombleson. I will greatly anticipate the first time I can hold my niece or nephew and welcome them to our world. I will throw everything I have into loving the people God has entrusted me with now and I will be content. I will.

swapping badges

As a child of the 80’s and a teenager of the 90’s, I often boast my, “I-can-be-anyone-I-want-to-be-because-I-want-to-and-I-don’t-have-to-change-for-anyone” badge. But on my way home tonight after a long, thoughtful car ride and a pit stop to talk with a close friend, I realized this proud badge we Gen X-ers hail as a distinct trademark actually has the potential to do more harm than good as we become adults and realize what life is all about.

You see, I am experiencing epiphany tonight: I am not a goal motivated person. I am a relationship motivated person. I am not driven by career goals or what I can get out of certain positions as an employee. I am deeply motivated by what I can put into any given situation. I am only interested in building programs for the greater good, even if it means sacrificing my time, my energy, my all to get there. My reward lies in the relationships I get out of the experience. That’s my paycheck, the one that matters most to me.

While the income of relationships is my payment, a tax for being relationally driven is burn out. Continually pouring myself out for the benefit of others leaves a girl on empty after a while. And a girl on empty is a girl who snaps at her family; a girl whose anger at all the crap in the world threatens to overwhelm her; a girl who mourns the emptiness she feels on the inside. And this particular girl constantly feels the deeper ache and longing for that ultimate relationship: a partner to build a life with, shoulder burdens with, and create joy with. (Imagine the emptiness one must feel if he or she is 80-90% driven by relationships, but he or she is denied an ultimate life-long partnership!)

You may be wondering what my epiphany has to do with the badge I mentioned. Here it is: If I keep allowing myself to be mostly motivated by relationships without allowing myself more room for being goal driven, I am afraid of the person I will become. That girl has started to rear her ugly heart within me lately and she scares the crap out of me. I have to change who I am. Survival of the fittest: revise & reshape, or die. Kill (in this case, a part of myself) or be killed. I have to rip off the first badge or at least the bottom half of it. Perhaps my new badge should read: “I-can-be-whoever-I-want-to-be-as-long-as-I-am-a-healthy-individual- for-myself-and-for-the-people-around-me.” This will mean allowing room for goals in my life, such that will allow me to accept a certain amount of work in people’s lives as adequate, and be able to move on from there. I’m not quite sure what this will look like, but I hope the goals will pull me back toward a balanced life and further away from the brink of self-destruction.

Sometimes just “being who we are” isn’t good for us or the people around us. We must re-evaluate and proceed with a different game plan, especially when we feel defeated.

28/29

I have never really given much thought to a birthday before, but this year my mind has been reeling through a range of thoughts. Everything from depression to excitement has crossed the threshold of my mind in the last few days. Depression licks at my wounded heart, exhausted after giving intensely of itself and still not finding a life-long love. Love is not all there is to life, but a life without love after 29 years starts to make a person wonder what’s wrong? At the same time, the amount of important life epiphanies that came to me during my 28^th year incite the excitement of potential growth for a new year. Many unexpected adventures have filled my path over the past year. A serious relationship, cut short by near sightedness; a sharp financial reality check and continued professional and spiritual growth mark what has now become another chapter in my life.

It was really a good year, but not in the one many may measure “good years.” For when one is burned by love (yet again) there are always lessons to be learned. I have yet to discover exactly what this particular love lesson is all about. Perhaps it is merely: do not believe what a guy says until he is on one knee in front of you asking you to spend the rest of your life with him… and even then, proceed with caution because he is probably still lying about something…? Sounds bitter, I know. I probably still am; thank God life is a work in progress. Right now, my heart is on the shelf and I am OK with that. Besides, I already know the only One I can truly always trust.

On another note, finding financial conviction and thereafter, discipline is not what I would consider “fun,” but in fact, I am already discovering the true joys that come from being a disciplined saver and spender of my financial resources. It is, after all, so relieving to check out at the grocery store and not hold my breath until the debit card machine flashes “APPROVED” across the screen! I know there are even greater rewards in store as I continue to tow the line in this part of my life.

My professional life has taken its emotional toll on me this year. Counseling at risk youth and their families is a difficult gig. Many days of 2009 were spent questioning whether or not I have what it takes to do what I do. (Do any of us?) Time after time, encouragement came in the form of words from loved ones or sharp, brief glimmers of hope from my clients. I press on for the time being.

My relationship with Jesus continues to be the only bond that holds me together. Without His strength and encouragement, 28 would have definitely turned out substantially different. It is in the darkest moments that His light penetrates my sadness and brings newness & hope. I hope I never tire of God’s amazing ability to sustain life in the midst of trying, dark, troubled times. 28 was not as bad a year as some in the past have been; and my life is a myriad of blessings in general compared to scores of other people’s lives. But each and every one of us doesn’t escape the power of the darkness seeking to tear down our defenses and rip our hearts in half. Evil lurks, waiting to kill, maim and destroy. I’ll be damned if I allow it to overcome me and not reach out to my Saving Grace in Christ instead.

So, with a tear in one eye and hope for the future in the other, let me bid adieu, 28. It’s been real. Real hard. Real interesting. Real eye-opening. Real. And karibu sana, 29. I wasn’t sure how I felt about you at first, but now that the first impression is wearing off, I think you and I are going to get along well. Let’s take it one day at a time and not rush into anything. Let’s have fun! Let’s continue to do what is right, even when it is what is harder. Let’s welcome the healing salve of time and embrace the warmth of hope. Shall we?

my shocking return

A friend told me a few months ago that I was in a time period of "Saturn Return". She believes in astrology. I do not. But upon doing a little research into what this "Saturn Return" entails, I do believe that something of this nature is going on in my life. (I just may happen to also believe that a creator of the universe intentionally designed a pattern of our lives & the universe to work in harmony together!)

The basic premise of Saturn Return is that every 28-30 years the moons around Saturn return to where they were at the time of your birth, thus prompting life reflection & transition. Hmm, yes this sounds very familiar to life right now!

As I reflect & transition throughout such life lessons as relationships, finances, spirituality and self-perception, I have noticed a trend not only in my life, but in society around me: no one wants to deal with the bad stuff.

It appears to me, as I dig deeper into myself, that if it's hard, frustrating, bad, painful or otherwise uncomfortable I have a strong urge to push my arms out in front of me, turn my face away and just not deal with it. You might be thinking to yourself, "of course you do! Don't we all?! Duh!" Well yes, but you see, the shocking realization came into play when I realized that I am actually like this, as opposed to the efficient, type-A, "on top of it" type of gal I THOUGHT I was!

And the frustration mounts when I proceed to realize that I fight this mentality of "life must be easy for me ALL the time" with the juveniles I encounter every day... now the tables have turned and I find myself staring at my very image in their (not-so-innocent) eyes. Disappointment with myself quickly ensues.

You may be asking, but Alita, what's so wrong with this idea that everyone should be happy & comfortable all the time?? My response: A LOT is wrong with it. No matter what some well-intentioned parents or manipulative, good looking politicians may tell you, it is a farce to believe that we must be comfortable ALL of the time. Life simply does not allow it. Even when we try to do good & be good all the time (as I have) we end up failing (as I have). Whether it's a broken relationship or a debt sold to a collector, my good intentions only went so far until reality slowly leaked in... drat!

So what's a gal (or guy) to do?! Well, I'm working on that right now... but my first instinct: to not let "the man" get you down. To accept my mistakes & failures as only what they are. They are a moment in time in which I did not do what was best for myself (and perhaps others around me). They only define me to the point at which I accept my shortcomings and choose to do better the next time around. Not only do I choose better next time, I do everything within my power to right the current wrong. When I am satisfied that I have given it my all, the only thing left to do is move on. And as I move on, I can only hope that when my next Saturn Return comes along, I will be struggling with new lessons, and not these same ones... ;)

fools parade

Tyrone Wells’ music has been making girls’ hearts swoon for a few good years now. Ever since I first heard his voice and experienced his mad guitar skills at Puget Sound Christian College circa 2003, I was sold…

But recently I heard one of his songs and was able to relate more than ever:

“Each time I’ve believed,
Love has proved to be
A fool’s parade
Lost in this masquerade
Marching in Line
Trying hard to keep time
With my broken heart beat
Fools parade
Cried the band as it plays
And love makes its retreat
Every step of my feet
Sends it away
Hear the crowd point and say, ‘It’s a fool’s parade.’
How I wish I could believe
When a princess [or prince] waves at me
That my true love has been found.
But someone's always just behind
To get the wave I thought was mine.
I always play a clown
In this fool's parade.”

Some people seem really worried about me becoming bitter and harboring anger due to my recent break up. I appreciate the concern. However, I’m just trying to be honest with my feelings right now. Being one who struggles with always feeling rejected, I have to be self aware enough to be able to grow through this situation, but at the same time not overly self critical to the point of self character mutilation.

Tyrone has nailed my sentiments on the head. I feel like a fool. I feel foolish for believing yet again that someone might actually love me for who I am. I feel foolish for putting myself out there. I feel like a clown who’s not quite good enough. And yeah, that can make a girl kinda angry & bitter sometimes.

At the same time, whether or not I’ve been foolish, God is good in spite of my actions or anyone else’s. He is not a clown. He does not cause turmoil like this, but as I look to Him for strength, he will provide it. He is a shelter in the storm. He is a light in the darkness.

The other day I was questioning why I had to experience this type of pain all over again, and I heard loud & clear: “You need to know what pain is.” I have had an easy life, all things considered. But I feel led to love some deeply hurting people. The pain I’m experiencing right now pales in comparison to extreme poverty, broken families, loosing loved ones & being diagnosed with terminal illnesses. But how am I to love people with broken hearts if I’ve never experienced one myself?

Good will come of this fool's parade.

driving lesson

Wow, this past week has been full of emotion, self evaluation & heartache. It has felt so good to write again; to process all of this through. I know I could have done it in the safety of a journal where no judgmental eyes will cast looks upon the dealings of my heart, but I have been driven here. Again, I appreciate the support & feedback I have received.

Yesterday I realized something HUGE and feel the need to say it here, in light of some other statements I've made earlier this week.

Three years ago I disobeyed God. I climbed into the driver's seat, came home from Kenya and said to God, "God, I will go back to Kenya when I'm married and when I have a masters degree." At the time, my heart longed to return to Kenya, and I had received offers to return and join other teams, but I refused. Instead, I plunged into a world of heart pains, which brought along with it loneliness, debt and lots of confusion. (Not to mention the reverse culture shock I was naturally experiencing.) But at the same time, my heart was longing to be loved and my mind was reeling with what I had learned in my short African stint. I yearned for understanding to go back and do better next time. My intentions were good, but I was out of line with what God desired for me.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not regretting the last 3 years here in the States. God, in his amazing faithfulness walked down this road with me instead. Like a friend, sitting in the passenger seat looking at the map, seeing clearly the right way to turn, but can't convince me otherwise, he has sat patiently with me. He's taken advantage of the pit stops to use me in spite of myself. I am grateful for the life I've lived these last three years. I've had an enormous experience working with at-risk kids & their families, and I've been blessed to be on a church plant team for the first time. I even got to wear the green apron for a while! ;)

A year ago, when I finally returned to Kenya for a short visit, I felt a sense of peace, as if I could now be "ok" with were I was at. I didn't feel like I was never going back to Africa, but I finally felt peace about not being there for a while longer. A year later, it seems that God is preparing me for a return, but it won't be for a while longer yet. I need to get out of the debt trap that my student loans and car are keeping me in. As much as I'd like to return to school, getting back into debt to do so is not worth it to me. One doesn't need a masters degree to be useful in Africa (or any degree, for that matter!) ;) And as for a husband, well, that matter is obviously completely out of my control. I'm perfectly content allowing God to take the wheel of that desire as well.

So, I'm not saying that I already have a set plan to return to Kenya... that would be foolish & silly to plunge ahead with my own desires again after learning this valuable lesson. I do feel convicted that my number one priority right now is to get out of debt. After that, we'll see! I would love to be given the opportunity to return to Africa.

For now, I'm pulling over... climbing out of the driver's seat, angry, confused & sad... handing the steering back over to the One to whom it belongs and settling back into the passenger seat, with a bit of excited anticipation, a seed of hope and definite relief.

a prayer

God,

Pain is an experience beyond explanation here on earth. It sucks. It doesn't make sense. It's so difficult to deal with at times...

Some are more used to it than others. I know there are some parts of pain that I cannot begin to claim to have experienced. I have not lost a child. I have not lost a close friend or family member. I have not been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. I have not been raped, tortured, kidnapped, beaten or held hostage.

I do not believe that you create pain. I do believe that you have experienced more pain than any of us will ever realize. I do believe than no matter the extent of the pain we experience, you go there with us. You hold us up when all we want to do is crumple. You see us through when all we want to do is turn around. You comfort when all we experience is heart ache.

You are faithful in spite of the pain. You are faithful. In spite of the pain.

Amen.

bitter or realistic?

I've had a lot of responses to these recent blogs. All have been incredibly supportive and full of kind words from friends who I've met all over and come from all different parts of life. But its interesting how my writing is interpreted differently by each person.

Some of you have expressed concern over my "being sad" and cautioned against becoming embittered against love... I'm hoping to clarify some of my thoughts tonight.

Love is a powerful, amazing, beautiful, indescribable thing. It's an emotion, a feeling, an action, an energy all rolled into one word. It can be expressed in different ways for different purposes.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud, it is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails...

I wish this description were my own, but I didn't come up with it. (Thank-you, God!) As I dwell on this ultimate description of love, I see why my heart is hurting this week. Granted, this is a very upstanding order. Even the greatest of all who love will at some point fall short of the mark on this one. But if this is love how it was intended, then no wonder the entire world is hurting right now! My feelings are a microscopic example of pain that is experienced when love falls short around the world.

I'm not any more important than anyone else. My "problems" will eventually dissipate. Life goes on. If I'm not interested in "falling in love" right now, or for a long time, or ever again, the world will still go on. And I hope the best for those out there who are experiencing love in it's varied, wonderful forms, whether it's romantic or completely platonic. Truly, I do. Because love is a matter that is completely out of anyone's control. We can't explain where it comes from, how it happens, or what it makes us do (or not do). We can, however, decide how we will deal with love in our lives.

How we deal with love depends greatly on our experience with it thus far in our lives. I have experienced great joy out of loving others, such as family, friends, and children in great need. I have only experienced great pain out of loving men. It's great for a little while, but eventually has ended with my heart gasping for a breath of clean air, feeling torn, stomped over or shriveled up. Please don't mistake this for a pity party. This is not my intention. Just merely stating facts as they pertain to my life. And because this has been the result of my experiences with romantic love thus far, I feel better off walking away from the desires of my heart on this one. It is better for me to love platonically and fully, than to love romantically and end up empty. It hurts less to live alone and suffer through the occasional lonely times than to give love to another and receive even less than I started out with in return. Maybe in the long run, I'm wrong. But right now, this is what makes sense. If you touch the stove, you're going to get burned. If you don't touch the stove, you won't get burned.

Thanks for reading. :)

worst Christian pick up line EVER

"I feel like it's God's purpose for me to love you."

"I think God wants us to be in this relationship."

Unfortunately I've fallen for both of these lines at two different points in my life. I finally realized today that this line is the equivalent of the non-Christian line, "If you love me you'll have sex with me." It might be worse than that, actually, because it's harder to refute.

Guys, if you tell a girl who loves God that you think God wants the two of you to be together, you are giving her a line she can't refuse. Because if she loves God & wants to trust you as her partner, she will believe you. The problem is, I haven't ended up with either guy who told me this; so either God was lying or they were. Hmmm...

I'm partially to blame in this mess as well. I should have gently put my hand over his mouth and said, "Whoa, buddy! How about we pray about this together?" Or, "How about I pray about that and get back to you?" But girls want to know they can trust the guy they are with. Personally, I want to know I can trust my partner with his spirituality and faith. Apparently I've been too trusting. The next time a guy tells me he thinks we should be together because of God's purpose, I think I will run screaming in the opposite direction. Sad, but true.

Some lessons out of this:
Guys, please don't tell a girl it's God's purpose for you to love her or be with her unless you've prayed with her about God's purpose for both of your lives, and prayed on your own until you're blue in the face about it and are absolutely sure its true. In fact, it might be best to wait until your wedding day for that one.

Girls, don't fall for the ultimate Christian pick-up line. Question it. Seek God for yourself; don't just give in to the lines we all so desperately long for.

today

Yesterday's blog was kind of funky & deep. That's where I was at. Today, I was just angry. I was sad & tired too, but mostly angry. Not out of control rage like angry, but just really, really ticked off.

Even still, God cannot cease to blow me away in these few short days. I got home and checked my face book tonight and had 2 messages, one from a girl I've known most of my life and another from a guy I met once. Both had incredible words of healing & love & encouragement in them. The words from my lifelong friend included:

"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. So wait upon the Lord. Choose to wait upon the Lord. Strength will come."

She's absolutely right. Strength does come as we wait upon the Lord. But waiting upon the Lord is a choice. Everything on earth pales in comparison to knowing & following Jesus. This pain is fleeting but the plans the Lord has for us are for eternity. My hope and encouragement are found in that. Man, God is good! ;)

Let it be.

done, now go

I'm done with the hope that is born with love. At least for me; for in my life there no longer exists the hope for love.

I am not done with hope for others, however. Love may come to many people, of all shapes, sizes, colors, races, decrees & so forth. Hope may be established for the poor, the down-trodden, the rich & famous.

For me hope exists in Africa. For others, it may exist in their backyard or their city, or their nation. I believe in hope for Africa. That's something I can believe in, but not for love for myself. As long as I am living the life God has called me to and made me for, that's all I can put my hope & love & trust in: in God alone to use me how he desires. That is where true love is found. Not in any man's arms, not in his sweet kisses or handsome smile. All of those will pass; but God's hope & love stands firm forever.

And in this girl's case, God's hope & love is leading her back to Africa, to the only home where she ever felt exactly in the middle of God's purpose; as if he had made her exactly for that adventurous, tumultuous, dangerous, beautiful life.

Men come, and always go. Love is fleeting. Hope wavers from time to time. God never changes. Africa is in need and I am called.

Amen.

roll with me...

There's a concept I've been struggling to explain lately. It frustrates me that I can't explain it, when it seems so simple to me. Let's see if I can get it out, and you can tell me if it makes sense, k?

Roll with it...

God created the world out of love.

He created many beautiful, wonderful creatures.

But one of these creatures He created more in his image than anyone else,
because of his desire for relationship-- to love & be loved in return.

These creatures were created for eternity. They were created to live in the presence of God forever.

However, they were not created with a pre-programmed, intuitive, robot-like, automatic return love for their creator.

Why?!

Because God knew that in order for love to be genuine, it had to be a choice. Just as He had made the choice to create mankind out of love, mankind had to be given the choice to love him back.

God could have created a little pre-programmed android army to love him back, but how unfulfilling and ungenuine would that have been?! Is love even love without a choice behind it???

So God gives man a choice. Because he loves mankind so much, he has to. How does that proverb go? Love someone and let them go, if they return you'll know they love you in return? Something like that. You get my drift.

So here we are now, created with a choice. We know that since the first guy & gal were created, we have been struggling with the choice between right and wrong, between love and no love.

And people everywhere struggle with these questions: If there is a God who loves us, how can he let bad things happen? And how can he send people to hell? Two of the most difficult questions those who believe in and love God have ever had to answer for those who are seeking the truth, as well as for themselves.

Here's how I answer them:

Just as much as there is a God in this universe who loves us and wants to be with us, there is an evil force who hates us and wants us to live in pain and misery for the rest of our lives. This evil force hates God. This is where all that shit that happens comes from. Good and bad things happen to good and bad people. That's the reality, not that bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. Anyone can give testimony to both good and bad things happening in their lives, from the account executive with 7 houses to the widowed mother of 5 living in the bush. Instead of getting hung up on why these happen, we can all agree that they DO happen. So? Good and evil are at work around us. Good created us with a choice. Sometimes we choose evil-- all of us do. And here's the kicker: all the evil we choose to do amounts to the same thing: separation from good. Whether you killed your mom, or slapped her across the face, you chose evil. This is alarming, but when you think about it, it's freeing, too. We are all allowed to mess up. We are all given a second chance. We are all allowed to choose good, immediately after we choose evil. We are all allowed to choose to be forgiven by God, the author of good, and brought back into his presence, the presence of good.

However, if we don't choose the good, if we choose instead to reject God and his goodness, we are choosing to be seperated from him. Hell is the natural seperation between God and mankind. It is not his choice. He does not send us there. He gives us the choice to be with him or not. We send ourselves there, if we so choose. BUT it is not our place while we are here on earth to determine what is in a person's heart. We cannot say from earth what eternity looks like. Just as we don't know all the ways of God, we don't know what happens between God and his creation when a person's spirit leaves this world.

A few important things to note:

I don't have this all figured out. I'm trying to...

Belief in all of this does take faith. But no matter what you choose to believe, you have to accept parts of it with faith. This world is too big, with too expansive a history to not take anything without faith.

This topic is not closed. I have merely brushed the surface. Thoughts, questions & comments are gladly appreciated.

when the world is shaken

There is this song we used to sing at chapel in college, the only words I can remember are: “Refuge, You’re my refuge… When the world is shaken and nothing stands, I will hold on to your hand, Refuge…” That’s the gist of the chorus. I can’t remember any other part of the song, but those words have stuck with me. They come floating back into my heart, my mind & my voice in times like these…

I return to Kenya in two weeks time. I am scared, shaken, enthused and exhausted. My mind is whirling with borrowed trouble from tomorrow, the next day, and the day after that. My heart aches, literally. What if I don’t like it this time? What if something bad happens? Or even worse—what if I love it even more, and resent being back in the states all the more when I come back again?

My heart not only aches for Kenya, but with the deep, longing desire to love & be loved (what is apparently becoming the theme of this blog, although entirely unintended!). I wonder if my inability to feel settled here, in the States, could be quenched with a good dose of domesticity. A man to care for, sharing the dream & hope of having children of our own to love & raise…working side by side together, whether here or in Africa again… or both? Maybe I am feeling that built-in need most women feel to put down roots, to have a stable foundation I can spring up from. The proverbial biological clock is ticking away!

I spoke with a close, wise friend about these troubles tonight. She has known me for years, and shares the same, deep spiritual faith as I, that no matter what, in times like these, there is One who is right next to us, guiding us, even when we don’t understand everything that’s going on. A few thoughts she shared with me: one, is that hopefully this trip to Africa will bring with it a lot of closure from the first time I was there. I like this thought, so much, in fact that tears instantly rolled down my cheeks at her suggestion of it. I hadn’t thought of that, but it could be very true, and apparently very needed. Secondly, and maybe most poignant: that some of these matters of the heart are not my decision to make. That I am taking on too many huge life things right now that I don’t need to worry about, especially considering I have chosen a Savior who has asked me to let Him bear these burdens.

A deep, chest sized sigh of relief flows out of me. Christ has asked me to bear only his load, which is easy & light… and he will take on all the hard stuff for me… because he loves me. He cares for me, and wants the best for me. Another sigh, as I let this truth settle into my bones.

I named this blog “Alita’s Refuge” because that song has become a theme song of my life. I can’t remember all the words, but I remember the important ones. Christ is my refuge. When the world is shaken and nothing stands, like it seems to be right now, I can, and will hold on to his hand. He’s my refuge.

Father's Love

Sunday afternoon I found myself pulling weeds and grass out of the flower beds at my Great Aunt’s house in Salem. It was hot—about 91 degrees outside. My mom and I were preparing for my brother’s wedding, only one week away!

My mind wondered throughout different thoughts, but settled on one—Love. Considering we were preparing for a wedding, that seemed the most appropriate. I first thought about how our act of service was an act of love—not only for my brother and Becca’s wedding, but also for my Great Aunt. It is a burden to ask a couple in their 80’s to host a wedding. My aunt & uncle are not your typical 80 some-odd-year-olds, but as amazingly active and talented as they are, it wouldn’t even be right for our family to leave all the wedding preparations around the house up to the two of them!

So, here we were, loving Auntie Moe & Uncle Wayne by wedding their flower beds… I then realized we were also serving Adam & Becca by weeding for their wedding. They are both busy, working over full time at new jobs to save for their new life together. We chose to show our support by taking time to help them prepare. Thinking about them turned my thoughts to their love for each other. I am over joyed that my brother found the right girl to spend the rest of his life with! I am so excited to be a part of their life—and the celebration that joins their life together. Their love is a testament to how sudden and yet how deep love can be.

As I knelt in the grass, imprinting my knees with blade marks and feelin’ the love, I took a mental step back to look at the big picture. Digging in the dirt somehow always brings me back to my Creator, and the Author of Love himself. I can’t think about love without somehow coming back to Him, the embodiment of love. The song, “How Great the Father’s Love for Us…” drifted through my head. It is because of his ultimate sacrifice that we know what love, true love is! Our human attempts pale in comparison to his vast, fanatic love for us!

We only get glimpses of this love throughout our lives… the joy in a toddler’s giggle… the warmth of the sunshine on our skin when we spend time with friends… the shiver that a strong embrace sends down your spine… kind words from a friend. But anyone who’s ever been in love knows that true love requires a sacrifice. “How vast beyond all measure…” is the next line in the song. We can’t even measure how vast Christ’s sacrifice for love is for us! In fact, all we can do, all we are asked to do, is accept it. Rest in it, find peace in it.

In return, he provides opportunities for us to love each other, whether by weeding some flower beds, or creating life-long covenants with each other in front of family and friends… wow! How great his love really is!

a single woman's lament

When I was 21 or 22, an elder in my life told two friends and me we were “ripe for love!” Six years later, what does that make me? Rotten? The two friends are married now, by the way…

I have come close a couple times—so close to experiencing the intimacy of sharing my life with another human, of joining with another life to become one. But each time ended in a mournful, heart sick loss. Yet, incredibly, as a testament to the human spirit, my heart still longs for that moment where I won’t lock the door at night and turn around to an empty apartment. Or go to another wedding alone or to a movie, class reunion or family holiday with a girlfriend. My patch-work heart still throbs for someone to hold me, kiss my lips and look at me with those wanting eyes!

Oh, I know it won’t always be blissful. I know there will be times I will want to rip his head off, scream my guts out and walk away! I know there might even be times when we break each other’s hearts… and I know that each morning I wake up I will still have to look at his face and make that choice to love him in spite of himself, in spite of me! But isn’t that what makes it so wonderful!?-- sharing a life full of pain and heartache, love & joy. No matter what, life will always cause pain, always foster joy, but to actually share all of that will someone is the longing of my heart.

Of course I go through times of wondering what’s wrong with me? Why can’t a guy, for once be at least as interested in me as I may be in him? Especially a guy who shares my values and even some of my dreams? It seems that the only guys who do express interest in me are half my size & twice my age, and that’s just the beginning!!! And then there are the games we are “supposed” to play. The “get him to notice you” game and the “get him to ask you out game”. UGH! I’d rather fall in love with my best friend a hundred times over rather than play a stupid dating game! There are always a few friends standing on the sidelines cheering for me—go for it, Alita! If you can’t do it, no one can! …Give me an “A”! UGH again!

There is a strange dichotomy in the life of a single person—at least this single person. I enjoy my single life very much—I enjoy making my own decisions, good or bad. I enjoy doing what I want to do when I want to do it and (mostly) answering to no one but myself at the end of the day. But I can’t kid myself too long before that desire nags deep, deep down. I was made to love, to wife, to mother! I can’t deny that forever… but how long must this go on?

I hate writing about this subject, as each time I do, it just sounds like whining and blubbering… but at the same time, I need to get it out. Maybe it’s OK to whine and blubber about it once in a while?!

As I wrap this up, I can hear the neighbor’s baby screaming… maybe I’m not really missing out that much??? :)