i will

As I played with my brother & sister in law's new iPad, my s-i-l reaches over and says, "Check this out." She clicks on an app button and a 14 week old fetus pops up on the screen labeled "My Baby." A ripple of excitement rushed through me as I realized what she was telling me. We made eye contact as I slowly turned from the iPad to her with a grin of recognition emerging on my face.

There is a baby growing in my sister in law's belly. My brother is having a baby. Delight and hugs quickly filled the room as the good news spread to my parent's ears. Grandparents. Finally. Joy!

Excitement wains as night time becomes bed time and we all shuffle off to slumber, our hearts still reverberant with elation. In spite of my joy and excitement, in the silence of the darkness, the emptiness reaches out to grab me and threatens to pull me under. Where's your husband? Where's your baby? Where's the life you want? Carefully I roll over and tuck the blankets up further and curl my body into a tighter ball, hopeful that I can create my own sense of security and defense against the answerless questions.

I refuse to let the silence of the unknown pull me down with it. I will not let my own desires drown out my excitement for others uncontainable joy. I will not be threatened by other people's happiness.

I will joyously await the arrival of Baby Tombleson. I will greatly anticipate the first time I can hold my niece or nephew and welcome them to our world. I will throw everything I have into loving the people God has entrusted me with now and I will be content. I will.

swapping badges

As a child of the 80’s and a teenager of the 90’s, I often boast my, “I-can-be-anyone-I-want-to-be-because-I-want-to-and-I-don’t-have-to-change-for-anyone” badge. But on my way home tonight after a long, thoughtful car ride and a pit stop to talk with a close friend, I realized this proud badge we Gen X-ers hail as a distinct trademark actually has the potential to do more harm than good as we become adults and realize what life is all about.

You see, I am experiencing epiphany tonight: I am not a goal motivated person. I am a relationship motivated person. I am not driven by career goals or what I can get out of certain positions as an employee. I am deeply motivated by what I can put into any given situation. I am only interested in building programs for the greater good, even if it means sacrificing my time, my energy, my all to get there. My reward lies in the relationships I get out of the experience. That’s my paycheck, the one that matters most to me.

While the income of relationships is my payment, a tax for being relationally driven is burn out. Continually pouring myself out for the benefit of others leaves a girl on empty after a while. And a girl on empty is a girl who snaps at her family; a girl whose anger at all the crap in the world threatens to overwhelm her; a girl who mourns the emptiness she feels on the inside. And this particular girl constantly feels the deeper ache and longing for that ultimate relationship: a partner to build a life with, shoulder burdens with, and create joy with. (Imagine the emptiness one must feel if he or she is 80-90% driven by relationships, but he or she is denied an ultimate life-long partnership!)

You may be wondering what my epiphany has to do with the badge I mentioned. Here it is: If I keep allowing myself to be mostly motivated by relationships without allowing myself more room for being goal driven, I am afraid of the person I will become. That girl has started to rear her ugly heart within me lately and she scares the crap out of me. I have to change who I am. Survival of the fittest: revise & reshape, or die. Kill (in this case, a part of myself) or be killed. I have to rip off the first badge or at least the bottom half of it. Perhaps my new badge should read: “I-can-be-whoever-I-want-to-be-as-long-as-I-am-a-healthy-individual- for-myself-and-for-the-people-around-me.” This will mean allowing room for goals in my life, such that will allow me to accept a certain amount of work in people’s lives as adequate, and be able to move on from there. I’m not quite sure what this will look like, but I hope the goals will pull me back toward a balanced life and further away from the brink of self-destruction.

Sometimes just “being who we are” isn’t good for us or the people around us. We must re-evaluate and proceed with a different game plan, especially when we feel defeated.

28/29

I have never really given much thought to a birthday before, but this year my mind has been reeling through a range of thoughts. Everything from depression to excitement has crossed the threshold of my mind in the last few days. Depression licks at my wounded heart, exhausted after giving intensely of itself and still not finding a life-long love. Love is not all there is to life, but a life without love after 29 years starts to make a person wonder what’s wrong? At the same time, the amount of important life epiphanies that came to me during my 28^th year incite the excitement of potential growth for a new year. Many unexpected adventures have filled my path over the past year. A serious relationship, cut short by near sightedness; a sharp financial reality check and continued professional and spiritual growth mark what has now become another chapter in my life.

It was really a good year, but not in the one many may measure “good years.” For when one is burned by love (yet again) there are always lessons to be learned. I have yet to discover exactly what this particular love lesson is all about. Perhaps it is merely: do not believe what a guy says until he is on one knee in front of you asking you to spend the rest of your life with him… and even then, proceed with caution because he is probably still lying about something…? Sounds bitter, I know. I probably still am; thank God life is a work in progress. Right now, my heart is on the shelf and I am OK with that. Besides, I already know the only One I can truly always trust.

On another note, finding financial conviction and thereafter, discipline is not what I would consider “fun,” but in fact, I am already discovering the true joys that come from being a disciplined saver and spender of my financial resources. It is, after all, so relieving to check out at the grocery store and not hold my breath until the debit card machine flashes “APPROVED” across the screen! I know there are even greater rewards in store as I continue to tow the line in this part of my life.

My professional life has taken its emotional toll on me this year. Counseling at risk youth and their families is a difficult gig. Many days of 2009 were spent questioning whether or not I have what it takes to do what I do. (Do any of us?) Time after time, encouragement came in the form of words from loved ones or sharp, brief glimmers of hope from my clients. I press on for the time being.

My relationship with Jesus continues to be the only bond that holds me together. Without His strength and encouragement, 28 would have definitely turned out substantially different. It is in the darkest moments that His light penetrates my sadness and brings newness & hope. I hope I never tire of God’s amazing ability to sustain life in the midst of trying, dark, troubled times. 28 was not as bad a year as some in the past have been; and my life is a myriad of blessings in general compared to scores of other people’s lives. But each and every one of us doesn’t escape the power of the darkness seeking to tear down our defenses and rip our hearts in half. Evil lurks, waiting to kill, maim and destroy. I’ll be damned if I allow it to overcome me and not reach out to my Saving Grace in Christ instead.

So, with a tear in one eye and hope for the future in the other, let me bid adieu, 28. It’s been real. Real hard. Real interesting. Real eye-opening. Real. And karibu sana, 29. I wasn’t sure how I felt about you at first, but now that the first impression is wearing off, I think you and I are going to get along well. Let’s take it one day at a time and not rush into anything. Let’s have fun! Let’s continue to do what is right, even when it is what is harder. Let’s welcome the healing salve of time and embrace the warmth of hope. Shall we?

my shocking return

A friend told me a few months ago that I was in a time period of "Saturn Return". She believes in astrology. I do not. But upon doing a little research into what this "Saturn Return" entails, I do believe that something of this nature is going on in my life. (I just may happen to also believe that a creator of the universe intentionally designed a pattern of our lives & the universe to work in harmony together!)

The basic premise of Saturn Return is that every 28-30 years the moons around Saturn return to where they were at the time of your birth, thus prompting life reflection & transition. Hmm, yes this sounds very familiar to life right now!

As I reflect & transition throughout such life lessons as relationships, finances, spirituality and self-perception, I have noticed a trend not only in my life, but in society around me: no one wants to deal with the bad stuff.

It appears to me, as I dig deeper into myself, that if it's hard, frustrating, bad, painful or otherwise uncomfortable I have a strong urge to push my arms out in front of me, turn my face away and just not deal with it. You might be thinking to yourself, "of course you do! Don't we all?! Duh!" Well yes, but you see, the shocking realization came into play when I realized that I am actually like this, as opposed to the efficient, type-A, "on top of it" type of gal I THOUGHT I was!

And the frustration mounts when I proceed to realize that I fight this mentality of "life must be easy for me ALL the time" with the juveniles I encounter every day... now the tables have turned and I find myself staring at my very image in their (not-so-innocent) eyes. Disappointment with myself quickly ensues.

You may be asking, but Alita, what's so wrong with this idea that everyone should be happy & comfortable all the time?? My response: A LOT is wrong with it. No matter what some well-intentioned parents or manipulative, good looking politicians may tell you, it is a farce to believe that we must be comfortable ALL of the time. Life simply does not allow it. Even when we try to do good & be good all the time (as I have) we end up failing (as I have). Whether it's a broken relationship or a debt sold to a collector, my good intentions only went so far until reality slowly leaked in... drat!

So what's a gal (or guy) to do?! Well, I'm working on that right now... but my first instinct: to not let "the man" get you down. To accept my mistakes & failures as only what they are. They are a moment in time in which I did not do what was best for myself (and perhaps others around me). They only define me to the point at which I accept my shortcomings and choose to do better the next time around. Not only do I choose better next time, I do everything within my power to right the current wrong. When I am satisfied that I have given it my all, the only thing left to do is move on. And as I move on, I can only hope that when my next Saturn Return comes along, I will be struggling with new lessons, and not these same ones... ;)

fools parade

Tyrone Wells’ music has been making girls’ hearts swoon for a few good years now. Ever since I first heard his voice and experienced his mad guitar skills at Puget Sound Christian College circa 2003, I was sold…

But recently I heard one of his songs and was able to relate more than ever:

“Each time I’ve believed,
Love has proved to be
A fool’s parade
Lost in this masquerade
Marching in Line
Trying hard to keep time
With my broken heart beat
Fools parade
Cried the band as it plays
And love makes its retreat
Every step of my feet
Sends it away
Hear the crowd point and say, ‘It’s a fool’s parade.’
How I wish I could believe
When a princess [or prince] waves at me
That my true love has been found.
But someone's always just behind
To get the wave I thought was mine.
I always play a clown
In this fool's parade.”

Some people seem really worried about me becoming bitter and harboring anger due to my recent break up. I appreciate the concern. However, I’m just trying to be honest with my feelings right now. Being one who struggles with always feeling rejected, I have to be self aware enough to be able to grow through this situation, but at the same time not overly self critical to the point of self character mutilation.

Tyrone has nailed my sentiments on the head. I feel like a fool. I feel foolish for believing yet again that someone might actually love me for who I am. I feel foolish for putting myself out there. I feel like a clown who’s not quite good enough. And yeah, that can make a girl kinda angry & bitter sometimes.

At the same time, whether or not I’ve been foolish, God is good in spite of my actions or anyone else’s. He is not a clown. He does not cause turmoil like this, but as I look to Him for strength, he will provide it. He is a shelter in the storm. He is a light in the darkness.

The other day I was questioning why I had to experience this type of pain all over again, and I heard loud & clear: “You need to know what pain is.” I have had an easy life, all things considered. But I feel led to love some deeply hurting people. The pain I’m experiencing right now pales in comparison to extreme poverty, broken families, loosing loved ones & being diagnosed with terminal illnesses. But how am I to love people with broken hearts if I’ve never experienced one myself?

Good will come of this fool's parade.

driving lesson

Wow, this past week has been full of emotion, self evaluation & heartache. It has felt so good to write again; to process all of this through. I know I could have done it in the safety of a journal where no judgmental eyes will cast looks upon the dealings of my heart, but I have been driven here. Again, I appreciate the support & feedback I have received.

Yesterday I realized something HUGE and feel the need to say it here, in light of some other statements I've made earlier this week.

Three years ago I disobeyed God. I climbed into the driver's seat, came home from Kenya and said to God, "God, I will go back to Kenya when I'm married and when I have a masters degree." At the time, my heart longed to return to Kenya, and I had received offers to return and join other teams, but I refused. Instead, I plunged into a world of heart pains, which brought along with it loneliness, debt and lots of confusion. (Not to mention the reverse culture shock I was naturally experiencing.) But at the same time, my heart was longing to be loved and my mind was reeling with what I had learned in my short African stint. I yearned for understanding to go back and do better next time. My intentions were good, but I was out of line with what God desired for me.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not regretting the last 3 years here in the States. God, in his amazing faithfulness walked down this road with me instead. Like a friend, sitting in the passenger seat looking at the map, seeing clearly the right way to turn, but can't convince me otherwise, he has sat patiently with me. He's taken advantage of the pit stops to use me in spite of myself. I am grateful for the life I've lived these last three years. I've had an enormous experience working with at-risk kids & their families, and I've been blessed to be on a church plant team for the first time. I even got to wear the green apron for a while! ;)

A year ago, when I finally returned to Kenya for a short visit, I felt a sense of peace, as if I could now be "ok" with were I was at. I didn't feel like I was never going back to Africa, but I finally felt peace about not being there for a while longer. A year later, it seems that God is preparing me for a return, but it won't be for a while longer yet. I need to get out of the debt trap that my student loans and car are keeping me in. As much as I'd like to return to school, getting back into debt to do so is not worth it to me. One doesn't need a masters degree to be useful in Africa (or any degree, for that matter!) ;) And as for a husband, well, that matter is obviously completely out of my control. I'm perfectly content allowing God to take the wheel of that desire as well.

So, I'm not saying that I already have a set plan to return to Kenya... that would be foolish & silly to plunge ahead with my own desires again after learning this valuable lesson. I do feel convicted that my number one priority right now is to get out of debt. After that, we'll see! I would love to be given the opportunity to return to Africa.

For now, I'm pulling over... climbing out of the driver's seat, angry, confused & sad... handing the steering back over to the One to whom it belongs and settling back into the passenger seat, with a bit of excited anticipation, a seed of hope and definite relief.

a prayer

God,

Pain is an experience beyond explanation here on earth. It sucks. It doesn't make sense. It's so difficult to deal with at times...

Some are more used to it than others. I know there are some parts of pain that I cannot begin to claim to have experienced. I have not lost a child. I have not lost a close friend or family member. I have not been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. I have not been raped, tortured, kidnapped, beaten or held hostage.

I do not believe that you create pain. I do believe that you have experienced more pain than any of us will ever realize. I do believe than no matter the extent of the pain we experience, you go there with us. You hold us up when all we want to do is crumple. You see us through when all we want to do is turn around. You comfort when all we experience is heart ache.

You are faithful in spite of the pain. You are faithful. In spite of the pain.

Amen.